I didn't become a teacher because your kid was going to be retarded anyway

I didn't become a teacher. I really thought about it though many times.

Not because I couldn't. Not because I don't value education. And certainly not because I don't have opinions about what children should be learning.

I didn't become a teacher because I have no patience, I can't stand slow, and I generally don't like children.

See how easy that was? I recognized my limitations and made a responsible decision not to inflict them on a classroom full of kids.

You're welcome.

But apparently, while I was busy NOT becoming a teacher, an epidemic of homosexual recruitment broke out in America's classrooms.

At least that's what I'm supposed to believe.

THE GAYS ARE GROOMING THE CHILDREN!

Grooming them for what, exactly?

Is there a sign-up sheet? A gay orientation seminar? Do they get a toaster after recruiting three classmates?

Because I have questions.

For starters, if simply learning that gay people exist is enough to turn a child gay, how the hell did gay people survive generations of being taught that heterosexuality was the only acceptable option?

By that logic, shouldn't everybody be straight by now?

We've had heterosexual couples in children's books, movies, television shows, advertisements, and practically every other corner of civilization for as long as anyone can remember.

And yet, somehow, gay people still exist.

Apparently heterosexual indoctrination has a pretty shitty success rate.

Congratulations. Your Kid Still Can't Read.

Meanwhile, depending on which educational ranking you're looking at, states are competing for the privilege of finishing somewhere between 49th and 50th.

That's quite an accomplishment.

Imagine working so hard to move from the 49th smartest state to the 50th.

That's not climbing the educational ladder. That's digging a basement.

And instead of demanding better schools, better literacy, better mathematics instruction, and some measurable evidence that their children are actually learning something, certain parents have decided the real emergency is that a teacher might mention having a same-sex spouse.

Not that their kid can't identify the main idea of a paragraph.

Not that they struggle with basic arithmetic.

Not that they might graduate without the critical-thinking skills necessary to distinguish evidence from bullshit.

No.

It's the homosexuals.

Because apparently the worst thing that could happen to a child in an American classroom isn't leaving it uneducated.

It's leaving it aware that gay people exist.

Indoctrination Is Apparently Fine When It's Yours

Here's where the argument gets especially ridiculous.

Some of the same people demanding that schools stop "indoctrinating" their children also want religious explanations presented alongside scientific ones.

Excuse me?

You don't get to scream about indoctrination because a teacher acknowledges that two men can be married, then demand that your preferred supernatural explanation of the universe receive equal standing with scientific evidence.

That's not opposing indoctrination.

That's demanding exclusive rights to it.

And before somebody starts hyperventilating, there's an important distinction.

Teaching about religion is education. Teaching religious doctrine as established scientific fact is something else entirely.

Children should learn what people believe. They should learn why people believe it. They should learn the historical and cultural influence of religion.

But belief is not evidence, and sincerity doesn't magically turn mythology into science.

I will always refuse to teach myth as fact—or as a scientifically equivalent "alternative" merely because somebody believes it.

If you want to teach your children that a particular religious account is literally true, that's your business.

But your religious convictions don't become scientific evidence just because you demand a place for them in a science textbook.

So Who's Actually Doing the Grooming?

Let's be precise about something.

Grooming is a real pattern of manipulation used to prepare someone for abuse or exploitation. It is serious. It deserves to be recognized, investigated, and stopped.

Which is exactly why using the word as a catchall accusation against gay people is so intellectually dishonest.

A gay teacher isn't grooming a child by being gay.

A teacher mentioning a same-sex marriage isn't grooming a child.

A library containing a book with gay characters isn't evidence of a recruitment operation.

If an educator engages in genuinely inappropriate conduct, investigate the conduct. Establish what happened. Hold the person accountable.

Their sexual orientation isn't evidence.

And if you're going to accuse someone of attempting to sexually exploit children, you'd better have something more substantial than the fact that they don't share your preferred arrangement of genitals.

Maybe Try Educating Them

I don't particularly like children.

I said that at the beginning, and nothing about writing this has changed my mind.

But even I think they deserve an education grounded in reality.

They deserve teachers who can teach, schools that can demonstrate results, and adults capable of distinguishing genuine threats from political bogeymen.

They deserve to learn how evidence works, how arguments work, and how to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate them with fear.

Especially when the person doing the manipulating claims to be protecting them.

So no, I didn't become a teacher.

But if I had, I wouldn't be recruiting children into homosexuality, Christianity, atheism, or any other belief system.

I'd be trying to teach them how to think.

Which, judging by the current state of this conversation, might be the most subversive thing a teacher could possibly do.